Its currently midnight on Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning. I cant sleep. Ive never been able to sleep on Christmas Eve. When I was a little girl, it was because I was so darn excited. The anticipation was killing me. I was that way up until a few years ago, the Christmas after we lost Grandma. This year, we lost Jack...my best Christmas present ever. I know he was just a cat, but I'm still sad.
As I sit and think about Christmases past (kinda like Scrooge), I can see a change in the way that I approach the holiday. I used to think about what I was getting for Christmas, what Santa was bringing ME. Then, I moved into the gift buying, treat making, decorating to the nines Christmas psycho stage. The year we lost Grandma, I hit full blown Grinch mode. Hated Christmas. Hated happy people...and almost begrudged them their joy. The last few years have bewn survival mode. I do what needs done. Nothing more, nothing less. I overload myself with things to do to force myself to want Christmas. All it does is cause me to have a nervous breakdown.
Howver, in the last week, I feel like I've changed my focus. As I've prepared gifts for others, I've realized that it isnt about the dollars spent. Its about the time and thought and love. Ive been thinking about my family and how incredibly important they are to me and wondering if I've shown them that. I've been so touched by the kindness, generosity and love of a good LDS ward.
And most importantly, I've been thinking more and more about the first gift of Christmas for me - the love of a Heavenly Father and the gift of a Savior to the world. The Savior is the reason. He is the light of the world. He is the most important friend I will ever have. Does He know of my love and devotion to Him? Have I spent my time wisely, are my sacrifices and service acceptable to Him? Have I tried with every breath that I take to repay my debt to Him? Have I let Him guide and direct me and my actions? Am I good enough?
Christmas wil never be the same. From this point on, its going to be so much better.
I am grateful for my Savior. For His friendship, His mercy, His love. Those are the greatest gifts that any of us will ever receive.
I hope you can find a place for Him this year. I hope you can feel of His love. He loves each of us, no matter what.